Distance Haze

Don't Let the System Rule You!!

2012-02-07T06:15:00.001-08:00

Today is Career Day at my daughter’s school. Apparently, this is a BIG DEAL, because she has been coming home stressed out for the past few weeks – stressed about…Career Day. Why? She says that there is incredible pressure at her school for kids to be staking out their career choices, making decisions about their career lives. And as is typical with kids, many use this as a chance to brag, or boast, or claim to be better than other kids. And as is typical with adults, praise is heaped on those who have great career ideas, or who have practical career goals. Anybody who dares to say “I don’t know” when asked what their career path is, or says something impractical like “I want to be an artist”, gets the stare down, the rolled eye, and the admonition to get it together.

My daughter is in tenth grade.

And I am thinking…what the hell? 16 year old kids are being pressured to make career choices. It sounds like something from an Orwellian dystopia. Well…I guess actually it is. I guess…sadly…that is a good description of our society and our educational system.

16 year olds are carbon-based bags of raging hormones. How can they be expected to make sane choices about a career that will lock them into a life path for the next 50 years? What kind of insanity promotes that idiocy?

I’ll tell you…the machine of the public education system. Things like Career Day make it obvious that the public education system is first and foremost a system. It is a machine, and its goal is to hammer out nice, compliant, unthinking automatons that can fit into society and not make waves and not think outside the box. The goal of public education is to conform, not minds, but lives…by using a cookie cutter approach to the most important decisions that people make.

So, kids who make decisions to follow the herd, to become nice compliant citizens, are praised, rewarded with recognition, become teacher’s favorites, and are allowed to proceed without Ritalin down the assembly line. Kids who question, who actually think, who dream or envision a different future for themselves are ridiculed, ostracized, pigeon-holed (you know, the “drama” kids – tell me it isn’t so) and often are punished by teachers and administration alike. They are certainly bullied, alienated within their peer group, and are forced to learn a hard lesson – if you don’t compromise, if you don’t fit in, you won’t be accepted.

And that is how the system wins.

America has been churning out unthinking automatons for years – certainly since the advent of the public education system, which was not in place at the beginning of the last century.

I told my daughter to forget about Career Day, and to boldly challenge anybody who would try and belittle her desire to be an artist and performer. I don’t know what she will actually do…but I know one thing. At home, she will not get pressure to “make up her mind” about a career. Not now, and not in the near future. I want her to continue to learn, to question, to grow, to challenge, to dream, to resist the machine as long as humanly possible. I know it will not be an easy path for her…as if living in the machine is easy. But…maybe…she will break free. And that is the best legacy I can give her; that, and unconditional love and acceptance – regardless of what her choice – or lack of choice – about a career may be.

Fall(ing)

2011-11-07T07:52:00.000-08:00

The season is turning and sadness is settling into my bones. Not a dark sadness that brings crushing despair - more like the gentle sadness of a late autumn wind that pries loose the last leaves from the tree.

This is a sadness borne in the realization that autumn is nearly done, that winter is almost here, and that no power known can put the fallen leaf back on the branch.

New leaves will grow - but that is next spring, and those will be different leaves. These leaves have fallen, and before long, they will be gone, taken back into the earth which gave them their existence not many months ago.

It was a good autumn...just like it was a good summer before that, and a good spring before that.

My sadness is the reaction of my heart to the soul-deep realization that I am powerless. That seasons turn, and there is nothing I can do about it. Leaves fall; winter comes.

I don't feel very connected to the world anymore. Like a leaf blazing in its autumn glory, my hold on the branch is getting ever more tenuous. More and more I am understanding that one day, my grip will slip, and I will drift down, down.

The world seems like a place for youth. As I drive, as I work, as I play...I am the old guy in the room. My ideas seem cranky compared to the ideas that drive the culture. I don't understand how my daughter can write 1,000 text messages a month. I have not even conceived of writing one-tenth of 1,000 text messages in my life. That crazy, stupid music they listen to...of course, I listened to The Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Frank Zappa. The seasons turn.

I coached a softball team last year...there were two girls on my softball team - one Liz, the other Taylor. One night, they were fourth and fifth in the batting order. I joked - "Liz, Taylor - hah!" They looked at me like I was crazy. I asked, and they admitted - they had never heard of Liz Taylor.

Married? Noooooooooooo...

And now I will howl.

I read somewhere that wolves howl at the moon because of an instinctive response to darkness and aloneness...wolves are social creatures, and the darkness incites them to howl to find their mates. They don’t care about the moon, it’s the darkness that bothers them, and the aloneness that scrapes against their simple nature.

Darkness. Aloneness. Metaphors for death, maybe? Not for me...not yet. That is waiting for me, at the bottom of the long, slow descent my leaf will make when its grip on the branch finally slips.

Instead, I am like the wolf who is staring at the moon, trying to figure it out, sensing this darkness and aloneness gathering around. A howl is rising from deep inside of me. It is near.

I am the leaf whose color is changing, contemplating that day when my grip on the branch will break and I will fall. I am the old geezer who looks at the world, remembers that it belongs to the young, and is having to embrace the fact that one day, someone I love will want to put me in a nursing home.

I loved being a dad to my young kids, loved it when they curled their little bodies into my arm and slept on my lap as I read. I loved being a young stud, loving and chasing and frolicking with my wife. I loved partying and listening to music so loud it made my bones tremble.

It was a good spring (though it had its share of thunderstorms and tornadoes); it was a good summer (though it had its days of heat and drought); and thus far, autumn is turning out to be pretty nice. Heck, I even planted some new grass and hope to see a new yard in the spring.

But it won't be my yard for long. Some day someone else will live in this house, call it their home. They will walk on grass I planted, and call it their grass. My leaf will be long gone. They will never have known my name.

The season is turning, and a gentle sadness is settling into my bones.

You Can't Stop What's Coming

2010-07-17T20:33:00.000-07:00

"You can't stop what's coming...and it ain't waiting for you. To think so is vanity."

That's what Tommy Lee Jone's character says at the end of the movie "No Country For Old Men," as he is recounting a dream he had about his father.

Of course, he's talking about death. In the dream, he sees his father, riding a horse in the night, holding fire inside a hollowed out steer horn. He knows his father is going on ahead of him, that he's going to build a fire in the night, and that he will be waiting for him.

You can't stop what's coming. Regardless of what we may do between now and then, we will not stop the day of the inevitable. There will not be a Rapture - no one is going to be turned into spirits in the twinkling of an eye and taken up in the air to be with Jesus forever. We will all die. Every last one of us.

And it's not going to wait for us to be ready. It's not going to ask our persmission. We won't be able to schedule it, like we do our doctor's appointment. It will not come in any way that we can foresee or guess. To think otherwise is truly vanity, foolish beyond measure.

In many ways, this really is no country for old men. It is a hard place, and old men tend to be feeble. It is a place where memory can be a weapon, and old men have lots of memories. It is a place where the young are rewarded, and old men are...well, old.

So what do we do once we see - really SEE - that our fathers have gone ahead of us to prepare a place for us? What do we do when it finally dawns on us that we can't stop what's coming?

Well, we certainly can't stop everything, but we can do some things. We can determine how we will live before we die. And how we will love. And we can take control of the little things that we can control...not what happens, but what our responses are. We can choose to explore, or question, or trust, or doubt, or forgive.

I can't stop what's coming and I am in control of very little. But I can do some little things, right now, in little steps. Little goals, little accomplishments.

It doesn't stop anything...except me obsessing about the fact that I can't stop what's coming. I can distract myself from the inevitable. I guess it is a denial, in a sense. But it is also choosing to rage against the dying of the light. I will not go gentle into that dark night, and I will not yield to the inevitable until the inevitable murders me.

How about you?

Namaste!

Life Is Glorious

2010-07-14T07:53:00.000-07:00

"Life is glorious, especially to the cursed and the damned."

These words, spoken by Anthony Hopkins in his role as the patriarch in the latest version of "The Wolfman", had - and continues to have - tremendous impact on me.

Life is glorious! And who better to understand that than a condemned man?

Ever since I left religion, I have felt an insatiable hunger for LIFE. I have become hyper-sensitized to the pulses and rhythms and vibrations of life around me. I yearn - you could almost use the word "lust" - to live life at its craziest, beyond full, beyond meaningful. I want to move beyond a peak state of consciousness and catapult into the universe, soaking up every drop of life that there is.

I have always had this madness for life inside of me. However, religious culture put a cramp on that in me. Religion, at its heart, is about control...a system of doctrines, roles of authority, social programming and reward that causes people to step in cadence to whatever values the religion holds dear. The expectations put on me by religion nearly killed me - while I had to acknowledge my own worthlessness and sin (which, in the religious mind, are just nomenclature for natural and instinctive desires, our animal nature), I had to acknowledge the awesome glory and goodness of God - which I did not actually always see or believe in or understand. A beautiful sunset, or a tender moment of sexual intimacy, could not be enjoyed for the pure pleasure of itself, but had to be recognized as a gift from God...the same God who apparently had no time for healing cancer or alleviating injustice or eradicating disease.

The wildness of rock music? In my particular religious group, it was declared as sin. Enjoying the "fleshly" pleasures of life - food, sex, drink, even a little controlled violence? Sin (except, of course, for football).

I think you get the point. Religion - for me - was not about affirming the glory of life, but of controlling the wildness of human nature, and therefore robbing glory from life. The Bible actually taught that "all creation groans" because of the sin of man. I agree with that to an extent - witness the Gulf of Mexico. However, "all creation" is not groaning - I hear singing, and laughter, and raucous joy. Only a rigid, frightened and judgemental religious mind could hear the music of the spheres and call it "groaning."

Leaving religion, I left with a sense of condemnation. By the reaction of many religious friends, and through the thoughts of my own mind, programmed as it was by years of conforming to the religious machine...I felt cursed and damned by turning my back on religion.

Oddly, however, I felt more alive. In the past six years, my health has improved, my attitude has improved, my experiences have broadened my knowledge, and I am a more expansive person than I have ever been. I love more, laugh more, accept more, and actually serve more.

I am a spiritual man - my hunger and thirst for spiritual things has only increased. I am currently working towards a Ph.D. in Transpersonal Psychology, which is a study of the spiritual dimensions of consciousness and relationships. I meditate. I often journey to a "peak state" where I contemplate mysteries both ancient and future. I experience lucid dreaming. I howl at the moon. I embrace the wildness of my human beast. In my dreams, I run wildly through darkened woods, filled with vitality and energy and power. I devour everything I can. I pray. I weep. I laugh, hard. I play guitar and write songs. I paint.

I make my son mow the yard...one of the benefits of being alpha male.

I do not know if I am cursed or damned...though, when I get around religion I certainly feel that way. Occassionally, when the car blows up or the sewer line breaks, I wonder if God has cursed me for choosing not to believe in Him the way I used to. Then I wonder if He is sending calamity in order to get me to return to Him. Then I ask myself, why in the hell would I return to an understanding of God that includes Him sending calamity to woo me back into His arms? Sounds perverse, doesn't it?

I do believe in a Spiritual Mystery...a Life Force that underflows everything that is. It is good, playful, loving. It embraces darkness, violence, death, and even pain and suffering...for it embraces everything, and everyone. I don't understand it...I seek it.

In the meantime, I am daily learning how to live my life more gloriously. I am loud, I am intense, I am opinionated, and I try to be loving, affirming and to be the most intensely loyal friend you will ever know.

Welcome...to the glorious life of the cursed and the damned!

Namaste!

The Beast

2010-05-06T08:05:00.000-07:00

I have finally admitted to myself that within me lives a beast. For most of my life, I have tried to either deny it, or lock it up so deeply that no one would ever know, and I would conveniently forget.

However, I kept hearing him roar in that deep sub-basement. I would ignore the terrifying sound, and go about my life. But occassionally, with no warning, I would see the consequences of his escape. My kids would be afraid of me, my wife cold and distant, a hole would appear in the wall at the end of my fist, something would be thrown and broken on the floor. Friends avoided me.

The stink of the beast was on me.

I would corral him, re-imprison him, put more locks on the cage, and go about my way. But more and more, his presence became something I could not ignore. He kept escaping. He kept doing damage. I kept denying...which, I later learned, was like feeding him steroids. The more I denied, the more powerful he became.

Then, I had a revelation. I thought he kept escaping, but then I learned that I was a sleep-walker. My beast was not escaping...I was letting him out. In the haze and daze of soul-sleep (which happens when overwhelmed by the meaningless stresses of our culture), I was going into the deepest recesses of my sub-conscious, and opening the cage of my beast.

I understood why I was doing it. My beast was my protector. He was my guardian angel. He was that part of me that rose up when I was afraid, or confused, or hurt...and he would strike back with his fierce and vengeful wrath. He has no rational mind...so he struck at whatever was near, whether or not it was the source of my pain. His job was to destroy that which I feared would destroy or hurt me. Period.

I love my beast. I created him...or maybe I discovered him, hidden down there in my deepest being. But once discovered, I loved him. I wanted him. I needed him. All of us need a sense of protection - and my beast was always able to protect me. Yes, he hurt others. He drove them away. He placed me in a world of isolation and loneliness. But that did not matter. In my most primitive, ancient heart, I was afraid. And to the primitive part of us, fear equals annihilation. And there is only one primitive response to death...KILL OR BE KILLED.

So the beast attempts to kill whatever my primitive mind and soul feared was trying to kill me. If he cannot do that...he will lash out at whatever he can. Innocent people suffer. Those who love me fear me.

And I am left alone.

In a way, my beast has done exactly what I wanted him to do. He has destroyed the threat, and now he and I live alone in the world we have created.

I love my beast. I hate my beast.

But now that I know about him, and why he exists, and how he operates...I think...I hope...I may, one day, be able to overpower him. I cannot banish him altogether, but I can become stronger than him.

The Eternal Now

2010-03-31T09:48:00.000-07:00

An old friend of mine recently wrote a blog about keeping an eternal perspective in the here and now. It got me to thinking in a big way...what is an eternal perspective?

Obviously, for Christians, it is Heaven...being in the presence of God eternally, not being punished for sins on earth in eternal torment, enjoying whatever bliss God may have planned for that infinite space.

But - I think - an eternal perspective on that simply means making sure you meet the qualifications to enter Heaven upon your death. Which means acceptance of Christ as Savior. In the evangelical Christian belief system, good works don't matter - "all of our righteous deeds are filthy rags." Good works only have value as they help other people make the right decision about Christ, and therefore go to Heaven when they die.

Even as a devout conservative evangelical believer, I had doubts about this view. Certainly eternal reality meant more than just getting to Heaven. And is death the only things that demarcates the reality of eternity from our here and now? Are good works only a form of proselytyzing, trying to "bribe" others into belief because you are caring for their needs? That always bothered me, and often made me feel hypocritical when I was "doing good works."

Nowadays, I have a much different view of "eternal." I do believe in some type of consciousness beyond death - but that is only belief, I have no proof. I do not believe that eternal equals infinite in time. Eternal means - to me - different, other, above me, bigger than me. It means mystery. It means something that is so big, so vast, so incomprehensible that it brings a certain type of definition to my life.

Eternal reminds me that I am not...eternal, that is. Even if my consciousness survives my death, it won't be eternal...because it does not extend to the infinite beginning or infinite end. At some point, in this life, I will cease to be. Eternal reality helps me to understand that, embrace that, and seek to live a life that matters.

For me, eternal means now. In fact, I believe that eternal has no value at all if it does mean now. Because my time is limited, and because there is something bigger and perhaps more real than me, I am motivated to understand and live my life now with every ounce of energy I have. And there are so many ways to do that - another gift of eternal. Loving others, helping others, experiencing joy, acquiring wisdom, forgiving, trying new things, watching the glow of the sky during the sunset...and on and on.

Last summer, my family and I walked a rigourous mountain trail and came to a beautiful, isolated waterfall. I stripped off my shirt and jumped in the pool at the base before I had time to think about it...and nearly imploded with cold! I couldn't catch my breath for a few seconds; but, after that initial shock, the pristine crystal clear water, the remote location, the beautiful mountains and the perfect sky above my head brought a sense of renewal and life that I can still feel to this day. It seemed as if years poured off of my body, and pure light and life poured into my soul. I got out of the pool minutes later, but years younger.

That is eternal, and that is now.

Namaste!

The UnDecision Decision

2010-03-23T12:32:00.000-07:00

"There are no neutral decisions in life. Every choice either does or does not get us closer to our goals."

I saw this posted recently on facebook. Wow! I had to comment - "whew - that's alot of pressure."

Welcome to the purpose-DRIVEN life, emphasis on DRIVEN. Being all about purpose is the latest trend in human development. It sells books and makes celebrities out of people who preach it.

But, I got off that train a while ago. I do not want to be DRIVEN. I want to flow. Being purpose-driven stirs up the image of a slave being driven by a harsh task master with a whip in its hand. I would rather jump in a river and let it take me where it wants me to go, while I lay back and bask in the hot sun and the cool water.

Life in our culture is driven to the point of despair. Sadly, most people I know live life under the incredible pressure of every decision being crucial to something - their success, their failure, their joy, their wealth, their health. Yes, I realize that actions are important, and have consequences...but not every decision is either a "make it or break it" fulcrum.

Some decisions can be meaningless, fun, irrelevant - and should be.

I don't think life is about reaching a goal or arriving somewhere. I think life is about living - about being the flow, enjoying the ride, and learning as you go. I had no idea I would end up here, and I have no idea where I will be in ten years. I had goals and plans, but none of those happened the way I envisioned.

The river had other ideas.

Recently, I was trying to decide where to place some landscaping stones in my back yard (yeh, a big decision that is really going to impact the direction and purpose of my life!). I thought and thought, and could not decide. Finally, I asked my son. He laughed and said "it doesn't matter; you know and I know that whatever decision you make, it will the wrong one."

So - here's to making a decision that is wrong! An undecision. I choose not to choose. I don't have a purpose. Or, better yet, I have a purpose, and that purpose is to UnPurpose, to let go and let God, to go with the flow.

See you wherever we end up. Or not.

Namaste!

An Efficient Life

2010-03-17T10:59:00.000-07:00

Recently, I watched the movie "A Serious Man." Being a typical Coen brothers movie, it was glib, dark and comic in a side-ways sort of way. At least no one was brutally murdered...a change from their most recent flicks, like "No Country For Old Men."

However, the central theme of "A Serious Man" was a brutally beautiful one...and that is, a life lived seriously is in danger of losing its meaning in a heartbeat. The protagonist in "A Serious Man" is a man who tried to build the meaning of his life on his possessions, his position, and the perceptions of others.

And, as the movie shows, that is a bubble that is perilously easy to pop. And once popped, what becomes the meaning of that life?

Our culture - and sadly, religious culture may be the most guilty of doing this - puts pressure on us to be "serious" and "efficient." We are given this view of adult life that is filled with discipline, control, and accomplishment. We need to look good, act good, and make sure there is no dust in the corners. We are expected to be efficient...budgeted and balanced.

The reality is, however, that life is not like that at all. There is dust out there, and mold, and dirt, and rot, and imperfection. Try as we may, we cannot keep clean. We cannot stay balanced - life demands inbalance and chaos. And it will get it whether we like it or prepare for it or not.

The concept of impermanence, which lies at the heart of Buddhist thought, teaches that nothing lasts. Nothing. A chaotic impermanence is at the heart of existence and reality, and struggling against that (by denying it, or putting more trust in rules than chaos) is what leads to suffering.

I don't know about suffering (still working that one out) but I know it certainly leads to confusion and exhaustion. The more we struggle to be efficient, the more frustrated and tired we become, because the universe just is not commited to efficiency.

In fact, the universe is commited to lavishness - and I think lavishness is the only way to live life. The universe does not seek to preserve energy, but to expend it. Thus, novae and nebulae and laws of inertia (which states that an object in motion remains in motion unless acted upon by an outside force).

I know this sounds alot like carpe diem - "eat, drink, for tomorrow you die" - and it is! And yes, even in a reckless way.

There is an old saying - nobody says on their death bed, "I wish I had spent more time at the office." I would embellish that - nobody says on their death bed, "I wish had been more serious and efficient."

A good friend once told me - "if something is worth doing, its worth doing wrong." I agree! Too many times, we wait until we have attained what we think is some level of readiness, or worthiness, or perfection before we launch out and live. But let me ask - were you perfectly ready when you had your first child? I wasn't - and yet it turned out to be the most amazing, beautiful, transforming and joyful experience of my life.

One of my favorite verses in the bible is from the book of Proverbs - "Where no ox is, the manger is clean. But, much increase comes from the strength of the ox." Yep - dirt, messiness, inbalance and inefficiency are all signs of a life well lived!

Namaste!

Above Us, Only Sky

2010-03-09T22:06:00.001-08:00

There are a few places one can stand where the heavens seems to open above you and you are overwhelmed with feelings of...exposure, vulnerability, belonging, eternity.

For me, most of those places happen to be on mountain tops. Reaching a summit - a "peak" if you will - is an inspiring moment, whether if it is attained on a short hike-up, or a climbing expedition.

Peaks are important places to me, and I think to all of us. From the peak, we can see the world around us in all its beauty, glory, expansiveness...and untouchableness. Yes, untouchable...the world we see from a peak may include the world in which we live, but we cannot touch it, control it, own it. It is too big for us, and we are too small. When I stand on a mountain peak, I am amazed at how small all the mountains and hills and roads I see below me really are...and I get a sobering idea about how small I really am.

And - I get a momentary glimpse of how big, how eternal, how majestic and beyond me the world truly is.

Most of all, I like to look at the sky. Standing on a peak, there is nothing above me, only sky. I am at the place of pure exposure to the heavens, and the heavens are also made vulnerable to me.

I like to lay on my back on a mountain peak, and gaze up into the emptiness and infinity of the sky. Yes, there are stars...but each one is billions and billions of miles from the other thousands of stars I can see...and from me. It is an empty and infinite sky.

And there is nothing between me and it. At the peak, I am at the point where there is no roof, no canopy, nothing blocking my way. The sky is mine...all I have to do is figure out how to get up and in to it.

Plane passes overhead, reminds me that I still have alot to understand.

But I know this: peak states, those "states" where people experience a peak moment of consciousness, of life, of energy...at those moments, there is nothing between you and the eternity of sky. Peak states - whether they come through meditation, or prayer, or running, or fasting, or having one of those moments with your children or a loved one...that peak state is a reminder to you that there is a mountaintop with your name on it. And that mountaintop - that peak - is the one place for you where nothing, nothing, nothing stands between you and the heavens...and all heaven means to you.

Let us find our peak states. Let us seek, strive, work and dream for our peak states. For when we find them, there will be nothing above us, only sky.

Namaste!

Faith

2010-02-11T17:50:00.000-08:00

I have always struggled with faith.

I have never really known what faith is. Is it trust? Is it belief? Is it action taken on the basis of belief alone (like the bible says, "faith without works is dead")? Is it the product of reason?

The bible teaches that salvation comes by faith alone. It also teaches that faith is a gift of God. If that is true, then does that mean that only God chooses who will be saved and who will be damned, and He gives faith only to those He chooses?

I have wrestled with questions like this for years. I have never been comfortable with faith, or understood exactly what it was, or how it works. Jesus said that if a man had faith the size of a mustard seed, he could tell a mountain to be taken up and cast into the sea. Many times, I have tried to summon that very small seed of faith and get something done...something far more important than moving a mountain. Things like the healing of cancer, or the end of conflict. It never happened, which of course made me worry that I could never have enough faith to be saved...if I did not have enough faith to move a mountain!

For the past several years, I have tried to replace faith with reason. The problem is, as I examine my life through meditation and contemplation...I find I am using faith almost every moment of every day. I least I think I am.

Is faith trust? If so, then I am trusting of things I can't verify by reason all the time. Or maybe I am trusting things that happen consistently because I do them over and over and always get the same result. Things like turning on a light switch, or driving in the right lane, or moving through an intersection when the light is green.

So, faith. I can't live with it, and can't live without it. I don't know what it is, I don't know how it works.

I guess that is exactly what faith means.

I think I am going to contemplate love for a bit.

GOD

2010-02-04T13:05:00.000-08:00

I do not believe in the God presented in the Bible. However, I also do not claim that He cannot or does not exist. My understanding of God - obviously - is not relevant to anyone but me, and certainly not to the existence of said Deity.

The God of the Bible never really appealed to me, even as a practicing Christian and pastor. In these years of my life, I find myself drawn to a more deity-less spirituality that is akin to Buddhism. I acknowledge mystery and otherness. I do not know if that mystery is personal, or material, or energy, or consciousness. It is just mystery. But it is worth exploring to me, because it helps me make sense of my world and my life. Exploring otherness helps me to live in the current...and that is a good thing. I think I was born a mystic, because even as a small child I was enchanted by mystery and attracted to a notion of God that was, well, mystical.

I do find connection to some aspects of the biblical God - or the religion that the bible gives shape to. I am attracted to the notions of Incarnation and Grace. Incarnation - god fully enters humanity as a human, and uses his power to make himself powerless as a god. Wow. What an amazing concept. And Grace - that our experience of and relationship to God is not dependent on our performance of religious actions or compliance to religious doctrine. Any person can experience and relate to God (as an Other, if he is) because God has chosen it to be that way.

Hinduism, taoism, buddhism all appeal to me spiritually. They inform my ideas of God somewhat - hinduism the idea that god may be an amalgam of all the forces and powers of reality, everything from weather to nature to human nature. There are nine billion names of god in hinduism - nine billion being a symbolic number to indicate that there are mulitiple understandings and faces of God for every human who has been, is or will be. Taosim, the idea that there are patterns in nature, in the cosmos that reveal the divine essence, that give meaning to what we are, and as we pay attention to those we can understand our place in the cosmos. Buddhism - well, there is a lot there - but primarily that divinity is within us, that we are sacred, and that impermanence and emptiness are the underlying realities of the cosmos.

But I also embrace other spiritual paths - shamanism, and its deep sacred connectedness to nature. And altered states. New age mysticism, for its challenging populist spirituality. Quantum mysticism, which defines spirituality as a scientific value that we just have not figured out yet.

A songwriter that serves as my spiritual guru wrote these words..."god's too big to put in a book, but nothing's too big to fit in my heart." well said - god is ineffable. There are not words that can describe god...god is beyond anything humanity can construct...especially a book and a religion. but the human heart is another thing - god can fit in the human heart, because the human heart can become (and already is) god-shaped and god-sized.

SO MANY STARTLEMENTS!

2010-02-03T14:15:00.000-08:00

For the past several months, the concept of Namaste has been startling my soul like a lightning bolt out of the blue.

Namaste (see previous post) simply means respect. It is a core universal power that I desperately want and need more in my life. It is what I want to be remembered by. I have so far to go in learning how to give it, receive it, live it.

Today, I had a "ah-ha" moment. I saw a bumper sticker on a car - "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." Like seeing through hydrogen, I understood why I have had such a hard time forgiving the Christian religion. I realized that modern, evangelical organized Christian religion does not teach respect. It teaches arrogance, exclusivism, elitism. In the 20th century, that brand of Christianity promoted intolerance of women, intolerance of blacks, intolerance of gays, and intolerance of anything not white and American. As a result, the world turned against our country and millions in this country turned their backs against the religion.

A simple example: the whole position of the church against gay marriage. Why would anyone who lives in respect CARE about the sexual activity of another person? Only an agressive fundamentalism that does not respect but only cares about who is right and who is wrong could be against a commited relationship of any kind.

Respect means recognizing the divine imprint and image on every soul. Christians, for the most part, recognize something different - the sinfulness of every soul. I used to buy into that - and saw myself and everyone else as fundamentally wrong. As a result of Namaste, I have come to see that every person (except for sociopaths) is fundamentally right in one way - we each desire to be loved, and to give love. And THAT is the divine imprint on every soul - and that is the heart of Namaste.

But the church comes along and says "NO - you can't love THAT way...", or "you can't do this" or "if you believe this way or that way you are going to earn the wrath of God and go to hell."

I reject that. I would much rather live my life saying - "I see the imprint of God on you, and I see the reflection of God's glory in your eye, hear it in your voice...and I RESPECT YOU."

Here is a startlement...watch what happens when you RESPECT.

Namaste!

Namaste!

2010-01-25T17:38:00.000-08:00

In the past several months, "Namaste" has come to be one of the most important realities in my life.

Namaste has its origins in Sanskrit, used throughout southeast Asia. It is a common address there, much like "Hello" or "Goodbye" is common in the West...(Goodbye = god be with you).

Simply, namaste means "I bow, reverentially, to you."

But like most things Eastern, it is layered with meaning. Namaste is also a lifestyle, that is centered on the fundamental reality of reverence or respect.

Namaste is the principle of recognition; in this case, recognizing the divinity and value that is in each person. When one lives in the principle of namaste, one is living in respect to all of life, to the divine spark that is in each person and indeed in every living thing.

In namaste, respect - which is something that is seems to be missing in so much of life - is central to a person's living.

Recently, after the devastation in Haiti, I saw two examples of "anti-namaste." Both of these actions issued from people who claim to be Christians. Pat Robertson, head of CBN, said that the earthquake in Haiti - and the suffering and poverty that seems to envelope that country - was due to a pact made with Satan over 200 years ago. On the heels of Robertson, Bill O'Reilly (and a cabal of conservative talk show hosts, including Sean Hannity and Neal Boortz) began to openly question whether or not it was appropriate to send relief money to Haiti, and began to question the political actions of the president.

Both of those examples are pictures of what it means to live in denial of namaste. Sadly, I see many people living this way. The chief concerns of cultures seems to be what is right, what is wrong, who is right and mostly who is wrong. Then, once the people or group that is "wrong" are identified, they are challenged, attacked, ostracized, and alienated.

This is not namaste. Namaste begins and ends with respect the divine value in another person. Of course, it does not mean ignoring destructive or hurtful behavior...but it does not begin with th judgement of behavior, and it never ever moves to the judgement of internal character. But respect and value of another is the operating core of what it means to live in namaste.

Namaste has changed my life, which is why I try to greet and part from every person with "namaste" on my lips and in my heart.

May you live, give and experience namaste every day!

Swimming

2010-01-25T08:14:00.000-08:00

Life is a strange brew of action, contemplation, rest, recharging...and then starting all over again.

Most people I know - including myself, whom I don't know that well - spend alot of our energy on activity that does not actually accomplish anything. So our actions tend to be wheel-spinning, and not actually moving us anywhere.

In the the book "God and The New Physics", Paul Davies talks about the energy depletion of the universe. One theory of cosmology holds that there is a certain amount of energy in the universe, and as the universe expands and continues, the energy in it is depleted. At some point, that energy will be gone, and the universe will cease to be...though no one really knows what that will look like.

There is an obvious model for that understanding...in life on this planet. Energy is not perpetual...only a certain amount seems to be available in nature, and once you use that energy, it is gone. It is not spontaneously created...energy has to be expended to create energy...and so the cycle goes.

I don't completely embrace this model of energy depletion...because I believe in other dimensions of realily that can renew and create energy.

But, it is a good concept to explain why some of us seem to be tired, exhausted, frustrated, and non-energized about the living of our lives.

We only have a certain of amount of energy within us at a certain time. We use it, we lose it.

Therefore, we must use our energy carefully, wisely, or else we will come to a place of depleted energy and unable to move from where we are to where we want to be. You know this is true - you have known people who have come to a place where they may want to grow, to live, to experience, to love, to know joy...but the cannot because they have depleted their energy reserves.

OK - now to the main point, about ACTION. There are two fundamental life actions that I observe...treading water, and swimming.

TREADING WATER is expending energy to simply stay afloat, to keep the head above the water. The assumption in treading water is that somebody or something or some God will come and save you, give your life purpose and direction and blessing, and will take you where it wants you to be (which hopefully will be where you want to be).

SWIMMING is expending energy to move in a direction. Any direction. It assumes that no one can save you but yourself - that you are responsible for purpose, direction, blessing, and meaning. It does not deny the possibility of being saved...but it does not expend energy to simply stay in the same place. It moves.

At the end of both activities, energy is expended. You are either exactly where you started, and in need of being saved (still) - or may have moved to shallow water, where a new journey of hope can begin.

I have come to recognize that my time, my energy, and my opportunities are limited. But I can choose to tread water or to swim.

I am going swimming.

Life Is Not A Day At the Office

2010-01-15T04:58:00.001-08:00

Well, of course, I don't want my life to be defined by my job...but that is not what I mean.

At my office, most of us are compelled - or at least committed - to line up our "to do" lists, and then work through them methodically. At the end of the day, our goal is to have removed those items into the "done" pile, and begin to build a new "to do" list for the next day. That is what is expected of us, that is what we are paid for, that is what a day at the office is all about.

Life is not like that. I have seen so many people (and I have done it myself) try to line up the "to do" lists of life...and work through it methodically.

It just does not happen that way. "Jurassic Park" the movie has a central theme - "life happens." Chaos is lurking in each and every moment, waiting to take our finely tuned plans and our "to do" lists and turn them into butterflies flapping their wings in an electric storm.

But that is still not what I mean. The "day at the office" mentality causes a type of soul lethargy. So many go around with the feeling that they can't get around to the stuff they really want or have a passion to do, because they have to tick off the "to do" list of things they are responsible for. They view life as "work" - or at least as a day at the office. Here's my list of "to do" things that have to get done before I go home...I get paid to do them, I will be evaluated on whether or not I do them and how I do them, and my job and my future depend on my doing these things.

I guess, at the most primitive level, that is what work is all about (though I think we can change our thinking about work as well). But certainly, life is not like a day at the office. Not only only does chaos intervene, but so does choice and serendipity.

You will never, ever, ever get your "to do" list of responsible things done - so don't put off your dream list, or your passionate purpose, until the day's end. Being able to pursue your dream and live your passion is not your reward for doing all of your chores. Not at all! You are live to pursue your dream, live your passion...not do chores. You were not created to be a chore machine. OK, yes, chores come with life...someone has to clean the toilet and wash the clothes.

But don't put your soul in a catatonic state by saying..."I can't live my dream until I do the laundry." There will always be laundry, there will always be dust, there will always be chores...and hiding where you can't see it, chaos waits to make a grand entrance.

Live your dream and pursue your passion...and do the chores when you can. If your "responsibility to do list" stays uncompleted, or grows...it's OK. You can let go alot of those things, and let them return to the natural state. For example, dust will always win. You dust and wipe and clean...and it will come back. It's everywhere, and when you die, not only will it still be there, you will become part of it!

Don't let dust get in the way of the pursuit of your dream. Don't say things like "OK, I will take a walk and learn photography and paint a picture and travel a trail...after I win the battle against dust."

My recommendation is to leave your "to do" list and that way of thinking at the office. In such an environment, that may be a good operational modality. But leave it there. Let your life be about your dreams, your passion, your soul.

Life is not a day at the office. Thank God!

Namaste!

Looking Ahead...2010

2010-01-01T12:38:00.002-08:00

If I have learned anything from 53 years of life...it is that looking ahead with a "new year's resolution" mind set is tricky, delusional and disappointing. Sitting in the midst of post-Christmas trauma, contemplation is more about recovery than it is about understanding.

But - understanding does come. And a look ahead can be...if nothing else...a way of holding out your hope so that

you (and others) can see it and have a better understanding of who you are and what makes you tick.

I have already stated that 2009 was a difficult year, but one in which chaos and pain moved towards culmination, transf

ormation, and serenity.

2010 is the year for that process to bear fruit. In 2009, I began to reclaim a spiritual life. When I left the church (and Christian religion) in 2004, I was hurt, bruised, confused and angry as hell. I eagerly embraced atheism as a means to get back at God and to freak out the horrible Christian people I knew. Over the years, I softened up a bit...even to the point of admitting that - yeh, I do believe there is a God - and yeh, the story of Grace as seen in Jesus is a good one. And, OK, there are some Christians who actually live like it. Those five years of wilderness wandering helped me to see...from a dying man's point of view (not a teenager who wanted to be cool) the value of a spiritual world view. That true spiritual life is a blessing.

So, I start 2010 with a strong spiritual center again, and am eager to explore it.

In numerology, 2010 has the value of 3. 3 is a very important number...it is the first "odd" number in the numerical sequence, and it is also the second prime. The number symbolizes completion, wholeness, revolution...not the end of a process, but the beginning of its culmination.

There are so many threes to note: the Divine Trinity, the mind-emotions-body triad, the past-present-future dimensions of time.

The triangle (above) - a potent symbol from the most distant days of humanity's past - represents a coming together of dualities. One line stands alone, two lines cannot encompass a thing...but three lines? Ah, you begin to see.

The triangle has become a symbol for my year, and what I see coming in it for me.

I am also embracing the number three - 3 - for this year.

Another interesting observation: in 2009, I began to embrace a new path. Part of that path has been to explore and experience meditation as taught by eastern and quantum mysticism .

Part of that experience is to find a mantra - a word or phrase or note that can help you focus your thoughts and express your intention in meditation.

For several weeks, I have been drawn to OM. Now, OM is the most common and universally known mantra out there. Nothing real unique about it...except its meaning is powerful to me. OM is said to be the sound, the note, of creation. It is the pulling together of order out of chaos, it is the sound of the mind of the divine within us. I must say, when I chant OM...I become focused, and experience a convergence with the divine, with the deep past of my ancestry, unlike anything I have ever known.

Look above, and you will see the symbol for OM. Guess what? The numerical value of OM is 3. The symbol for OM looks like a three! Woooooooooo.....

OK - so here's my western-formulated and expressed wish list for 2010...go on, read it. If you have come this far, you may as well go all the way. Everything expressed here, for the most part, reflects my newly embraced path and journey...

1. to grow in meditation and understanding of the mystical path, namely zen

2. to release my creative mind as I have never done before, specifically:

- write my books

- more poetry, and publish

- get back to making and recording music...with a vision now

- water color

- photography

- drumming

(seriously, all this stuff is stuff I do but not intensely...the time has come to live it, intentionally and intensely!)

3. back to running, getting in shape, taking control...I was working towards it in 2009, gave up in 2009, back in it for 2010...feel the wave!

4. begin my Ph.D. studies (if finances make it possible...will find a way)

5. begin my first step in certification as a Licensed Professional Counselor

6. Make a strong (and sometimes hard) choice to reconnect with friends (I am not a people person naturally, but I love people...and this is what my dharma is saying to me now)

7. continue to grow in honoring the family that I have and love

8. finish my back yard (landscaping) and build a zen garden - loving the outdoors

9. begin to release my personal power towards helping others

10. exercise my servant muscles...giving giving giving with joy and love and a flow of abundance

Is that enough? Probably not. But it is the first ZEN TEN of my new life.

OM!

Namaste!

Looking Back...2009

2010-01-01T12:38:00.001-08:00

It was indeed the best of times...the worst of times. Started the year working with the Appalachian Trail Conservancy...a dream job that turned into a nightmare. Came back to Habitat...it is a good place...a place to work that is stable, fun, meaningful, and very little pressure. Gives me the chance to review and work on other areas of my life...my non-work areas (wow, lots of work in that sentence). So, without commentary, here is a list of things done, experienced, and...uhm...whatever! Films: Star Trek District 9 Inglourious Basterds Knowing Zombieland The Informant! Drag Me To Hell Moon Music: Mastodon - Crack the Skye Steve Tibbetts - YR Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack Books: Hero With A Thousand Faces The Tibetan Book of the Dead Drood The Song of Kali The Hour I First Believed The Stain The Lost Symbol Getting In the Gap Places I Went: Boca Grande, Florida Nantahala Forest, North Carolina Memorable things I did: kayak across the bay and in the mangroves in Boca kayak down the Ocoee River with Pam kayak down the Nantahala hiked several neat trails in Nantahala tried salvia (omfg) caught N1H1 - so did wife, she ended up in hospital for a week started my back yard...can't wait to finish it 2009 was a good year in many ways, but also a very difficult and painful one. Had to come face to face with some difficult issues - in my marriage, my personal life, my finances, and my attitude. Actually, many of those difficult issues were started years ago, but found their culmination in 2009. In numerology, the year 2009 possesses the value of 11, and 2. 11 being a Master Number, is considered the perfection of 2 (1+1). 2 represents duality, conflict, chaos. 11 represents the culmination of chaos, which can lead to either reconciliation of duality and transformation, or disintegration and destruction. I would say that sums up 2009 pretty well for me. The great news is that it seems that 2009 became a year in which I payed attention, made some good decisions for my inner life especially, and the culmination of chaos led to reconciliation of duality and transformation. I reconnected to my spirituality in 2009 (I had to - alcohol and drugs weren't doing it for me) and discovered a path that is bringing about radical empowerment to me. Not ready to talk about it completely, but it is very real, very hopeful, and very personal. My marriage remains strong. My personal life stronger. My attitude...best its been in years and years. My finances...aacchh! Still suck...but we buy stuff like we had lots of money, so damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead. 2010 will bring further resolution and clarity in this area...so probably see you in bankruptcy court. I know probably no-one has read this. If you do, at least sign in below in the comment section, let me know someone cares, someone pays attention. Please. I am so desperate for affirmation from someone. I am so alone. All I want is a friend.

Brother Crow

2009-12-31T20:04:00.001-08:00

brother crow (a song)
by me, 4/2007

Hello again, Brother Crow
I hear you singing but I don't know
what you are saying to me with your song
but I will follow you on...

I hear you calling me, Brother Crow
through the darkness and through the call
to a light in the shadows I see you fly
your shape is so strong against the sky...

Are you a healer? Are you a mage?
Do you hold the key to unlock my cage?
Do you foretell sorrow, or promise light?
I never hear you sing in the night.

In the morning you come to me, Brother Crow
Seek me out like sunrise and let me know
This is your message, this is your way,
I am alive another day

The Wind Hides The Place, 2007

2009-12-31T20:03:00.001-08:00

the wind hides the place where the chuckwill sings,

hides it among brush and leaf and grass,

hides it in moans from the northern sky

that hides itself in the mountain pass.

I know how to hide, and I often do,

while the wind howls around me like liquid stone,

ignoring me here but to pluck my strings

that are covered – well, hidden - with flesh and bone.

I stand in the brush as it bows its head,

the wind giving aid as it bends to pray.

I feel the touch of that same strong wind

though, unlike the brush, I have little to say.

The chuckwill sings, and I startle its song,

not for long – for the likes of I

have another pass and another place,

so it waits, and it waits, until I go by.

I move fast to something, the pass or the leaf

or the memory of the whispering brush;

but where I am going and where I will be,

the wind and the chuckwill have much more for me.

John Shigley, 2002

2009-12-31T20:02:00.001-08:00

How My Spirit Guide Found Me

2009-12-31T20:01:00.001-08:00

I have had many people ask me "why do you call yourself Brother Crow?" Truth is, I really don't...it's just that I say "Brother Crow" many times a day, in greeting to those special beings that manage to fly their way to my path on a regular basis, or wake me with their caw, or get my attention by gathering in a treetop and going at it with dozens of their brethren.

Example: recently, I was on the beach in Boca Grande, on Gasparilla Island, SW Florida. It was beautiful, tranquil, a nearly empty beach, sand sharks and stingrays playing in the shallow water, horseshoe crabs and sand dollars and sand pipers and pelicans dancing around in the gorgeous blue water and bluer sky. It was a near perfect experience...except I was in a bad mood because the waves were low and slow that day, and I like to play in waves. I pretty much had a hissy fit, made everybody with me uncomfortable, and sat in my beach chair and grumbled until I decided to go to the car, get some fruit juice and rum and make me a very strong cocktail and get drunk on the beach. On my way to the car, walking up the boardwalk, a huge black crow flew within inches of me, face level so I could not miss it, and landed on an old docking post about four feet off the path. He stood there and looked right at me. I looked at him. I said "hello brother." He cawed, once.

A light went off in my head. What an ass I had been. I had been selfish, unthinking, insensitive, a prick in every sense of the word. My wife, my daughter and her friend, my son and his friend, were enjoying the beach and water and the beauty of this isolated island - they had said one hundred times if they said it once... "God, this place is incredible. This is my favorite beach ever." And I was pissing on it with my childish attitude.

But Brother Crow made an effort to intersect my path and "caw" me into reality. I shook my head, grinned, and said, "thanks, brother, you're right." He cawed one more time, and flew off.

I don't think I have ever seen crows hanging around beaches. And I certainly had not noticed any that day. Until this one brother flew into my lifepath and helped me make a correction. Amazing but true.

I no longer look for spiritual signs or miracle encounters...I have become too exhausted to do that which I am skeptical about anyway. But this time, a crow flew into my face and my attitude changed because of it.

That is why I call them "Brother Crow." Every day, for the past four years, this kind of thing has happened. They are all around me, at the oddest times, cawing, gathering, waking, cawing. And when I acknowledge them, welcome them, I feel like I am making room for the possibility of mystery in my life. Not divine intervention necessarily - just setting it up so I can be open to looking outside of the established boundaries of reason and culture and adulthood, and perhaps see something new. And act like a better person because of what I see.

That's why I call myself Brother Crow; I want to be open to them, just in case.

I Remember Loving This

2009-12-31T20:00:00.001-08:00

I wrote this song/poem in the fall of 2004, on the first trip to the North Georgia mountains made by my family in many years (we had moved to the northeast). I was overwhelmed with the beauty and majesty of this place that I loved...and was torn with regret that I had given up this beauty in order to find my place in the religious system of evangelical christianity. This song/poem helped me find the courage to walk out of the church...I hope it will be a blessing to you.

I remember loving this
canopy of stars at night
whisper whoosh of rolling creek
cradling in mountain arms
covering of ancient pine.

Now my world is white and gray
lived within these four square walls
bathed in pale fluorescent light
the hum of ballasts in the air
the tonal center of my life.

the only stars I see are pings of light
reflected off the dangling stones
in ears of women in the choir
creation framed by stucco, white,
stained glass yellowing the sky.

Blue gray carpet at my feet,
not needle brown and lichen green.
How did I travel so off course?
I took a trail I thought I knew
and stumbled to this other place...

where hymns are sung to empty space,
the last remains of what once was grace.

Standing In the Gap

2009-12-30T10:13:00.000-08:00

Between everything that exists, there is a gap. Between you and me. Between our planet and the next planet over. Between our galaxy and the next galaxy over. At the microscopic level, between cells. At the subatomic level, between electrons and neutrons and protons...between quarks, strings. Between strings...more strings. Quantum physics has postulated that at the very deepest level of what is, what is is nothing. Or, mass-less - energy that may or may not be conscious, but not matter.

There are gaps in understanding, between what we know and what we say we know, and what we don't know. Or say we don't know. I think even our definition of knowledge has gaps in it.

There is a fundamental truth (and yes, truth has gaps) that I am finally beginning to understand. Nothing touches. People don't touch...how can they? The atomic structure of our cells actually slide in between each other as we touch. Vibrations on a quantum string level send forth waves that ultimately end up being a sensation of touch as they are interpreted within the complicated system of organic reality. But we don't really touch. Nothing touches. Atoms don't touch, strings don't touch.

The gap is the essential reality of the universe. Nothing touches. There is emptiness between everything, and within everything. Quantum scientists are hot on the trail of this reality, but Buddhists figured this out centuries ago...I am just now beginning to get it. At the center of everything is emptiness. A gap.

"And the Lord said, I sought for a man to stand in the gap, and I found not one."

The purpose of life, the meaning of everything, the key to existence, is learning to, accept and embrace...emptiness. Standing in the gap. Not necessarily touching anything...God never said anything about touching anything. In fact, he seemed to get pissed off when people touched him. Remember the guy who tried to keep the ark of the covenant from falling to the ground? He touched the ark - which was the symbol of the reality of and presence of God - and god sent his ass to dirttown. Killed him with a bolt of power from the Neumotron.

God does not want you touching anything because you can't. Ultimately, though it feels and seems like touching is happening...it isn't. There is a gap.

Emptiness, isolation, and not-touching is the truth at the core of existence. There is more empty space than space filled with anything.

This whole concept can be incredibly empowering. Standing in the gap can help us find the center, in the midst of anything. And in the center, we can discover serenity...and perhaps wisdom.

Perhaps there is no greater wisdom than to understand that emptiness is the center. That if there is power in a particular event - or even thought - that power resides within us. We are the power.

The concept of emptiness also teaches me about the true nature of touch. Throughout life, I have come to see that intimacy is a matter of something other than physical contact. I have known lovers who did not know the other's favorite food; I have known people who were unable to have physical intimacy due to a disease or handicap, and yet lived deep within the reality of their loved one, and were experiencing intimacy beyond what most people ever know.

Knowing that material touch never really happens...and to know that true intimacy is not a matter of physical contact...has helped me to understand that touch is something different. It is mystical, it is found when someone can stand in the gap, experience the serenity of the center...and touch with their hearts, or their minds. I also know that when touch from the gap takes place, then the physical intimacy that follows is both inconsequential and astounding in pleasure!

We must learn to accept that we are standing in a gap, and embrace all that it means. We must let the gap teach us and we must teach ourselves as we stand in the midst of nothing.

When we do this, we discover that the gap is not a lonely place...in fact, it may not be a place at all, but a journey...from one reality to another. That journey can become our definition, a definition that is not static but dynamic, changing constantly, evolving, growing, becoming, expanding.

Perhaps one day, we shall be the ones to fill the gap.

2009-07-31T14:22:00.001-07:00

"To assert that the earth revolves around the sun is as erroneous as to claim that Jesus was not born of a virgin." [Cardinal Bellarmine, 1615, during the trial of Galileo]

I Had a Dream

2009-07-31T14:20:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night,
Lost in the light of the day,
Until this moment came when
I saw it in another place.
The roaring waves had killed a man,
The people on the beach
Stared with horror-stricken faces
As the newsman did his job.
Last night, I saw those waves,
With my family in a house,
Water rising, water moving,
Rising fear with rising water.
I looked for a way, a door, out,
Anything to flee the water coming.
There was no easy exit,
I knew we had to accept
An end by rising water,
Yet never cease to search
For the door of our escape.
I’m not convinced of prophecy,
But dreams like this unsettle me.
They have within them
Something of a warning
And a hint of truths well hidden.
What is coming, what endangers
My family as we wait?
The waves have always roared,
And families have always died.
And something deep inside
Has always sought a door of leaving.
The people on the west coast,
Who saw the man get killed
By the giant, monster waves,
looked at me and I could see
The same dark, gnawing questions
Burning from their eyes and written on their faces.

I Saw A UFO! Seriously!

2009-07-31T14:19:00.000-07:00

This is a true, true story...I swear. It really happened to me. I know some will read it and think I am either lying, or being crazy.

Recently, I was camping with a buddy just north of where the Appalachian Trail crosses Hwy. 75, near Graveyard Fields. It was a somewhat stormy day, but that night the rain stopped and the winds rose and the clouds began to clear. It was beautiful up on the mountain, and the winds were pretty steady as we drifted off to sleep at about 11pm (seriously, bone achingly tired).

Suddenly, like a light switch being turned off, the wind stopped. My buddy and I both noticed it and it woke us up immediately. The silence outside of our tent was eerie and scary...I wondered if maybe another storm had come in as we drifted off to sleep, and we were about to get slammed.

At that moment, a huge light exploded in front of our tent. No noise...just light. It was so bright it blinded us for a moment. We could see the structure through the net of our tent...it was a glowing sphere about 15 feet in diameter and at least 20 feet off the ground.

Again, there was no noise. And there was a structure there...and it was higher off the ground than any human could get it. However, I still feared that some drunk redneck was looking for trouble - I was terrified, actually. My buddy was too, and screamed, "I got a gun, get the hell out of here!" (or words to that effect).

Just as suddenly as it came off, the light went out...and the wind started blowing again. We both flew out of the tent, and we sensed movement above our heads. We looked up and saw what looked like a bowling ball faintly glowing and moving up into the sky. It disappeared.

We didn't even say anything to each other...we flew down the trail (my buddy had somehow grabbed a flashlight) and we got in his car, and we drove down into Helen and spent the rest of the night in a parking lot. We actually thought about driving home, but we did not want to leave our gear up there (my pack alone is worth about $400).

I SWEAR THIS HAPPENED TO ME...BUT - I HAVE A CONFESSION. IT DID NOT HAPPEN RECENTLY...IT HAPPENED OVER 30 YEARS AGO.

It was a life-transforming event for me. For 30 years, I have been obsessed with UFO's, and have studied just about everything written about them. My experience is similar to thousands of other experiences recorded by people for over 3500 years...seriously! In fact, the "kind" of UFO we saw (the bright, glowing sphere that floats silently then moves away at great speed) is the most common kind of UFO encounter. And, amazingly, it is one of the most documented atmospheric occurrences in human history...with incidents noted by individuals, pilots, military and law enforcement officials.

It is an amazing thing to me that - with so many recorded, documented, and investigated incidents - people still feel as if UFO encounters are unreliable and probably the result of an overactive imagination.

I think I know why this is. It is - I THINK - because, even though the record is there, the documentation is overwhelming, and there is even conclusive evidence - it hasn't happened to them. Most people just can't accept the unacceptable or strange or out-of-the-ordinary without personal experience to validate it to them.

But it happened to me...I know it did.

I once was lost, but now am found...was blind but now I see.

OK - all this has a point. Here is the "REVEAL" (if you have read this far)...many who would be the quickest to deny this experience of mine would insist that they have had a personal encounter with the Living God...that they have seen, felt, heard or otherwise encountered him. I could point out numerous, overwhelming and conclusive evidence (or lack of evidence) about the existence of God, the reliability of the Bible, or even the existence of Jesus.

But it would not matter. They have experienced God. UFO's are far more documented and have a longer history of recorded interaction with humans than the God of Christianity...but...it does not matter. They have experienced God.

And I saw a UFO. I seriously did.

Floating In Beauty

2009-05-18T13:18:00.000-07:00

"Little round planet in a big universe,
Sometimes it looks blessed, sometimes it looks cursed.
Depends on what you look at, obviously...
But even more it depends on the way that you see."
- Bruce Cockburn
"Child Of The Wind"

After nearly fifty-two years of life, I have finally begun to figure out that beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. Or perhaps more accurately...the ability to perceive beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty certainly does exist in the universe...or, more accurately, there are orders in the natural world that create something that the human being perceives as beautiful.

But, what the human sees is not as important as how the human sees. What is the mindset behind the observation?

For years, I have tended towards seeing ugliness and horror in the natural world. And certainly, it is there; a brutal, nonpersonal reality permeates our existence...sunsets from an airplane are breathtaking, but you just cannot open the door without other realities of the natural world killing you dead. And horribly. Fire is mesmerizing...it is also unpersonal, and it kills. Horribly. Beautiful people molest children. Beautiful frogs have skin that produces deadly toxin.

Beauty does not have a morality. And it took me getting rid of God to discover and embrace that reality. I had to see both beauty and horror as amoral realities - in the natural world. My mind simply could not embrace the existence of a good God who had created overwhelming beauty...that could kill you. Others could...through simplistic faith. But I am not wired that way, and it stretched me so thin that I nearly popped.

So - I cast off God, and everything came into focus. I saw beauty all around me...I was floating in it...and I did not have to classify it or justify it as good or bad or right or wrong. It just was. So was horror and heartbreak and tragedy and suffering. But I saw them both - and did not blame God for either one, because God was no longer a factor in my thinking.

I am glad I set myself free from that prison. I am also glad that I let poor old God off that hook. I have yet to figure out what the God thing is all about...and I gladly accept that I probably never will. Mystery is enough without my placing my well thought out doctrine on top of it.

But beauty...somehow, I have found it. God or no God, I am still floating in beauty. Occassionally, I feel something like gratitude towards - ?? Mystery! I know it sounds weird, but I am grateful to me...for allowing myself to see beauty, to recognize that along with horror and wrongness, there is something else. The more I let myself see it, the more I see it. And the more I see it, the more I let myself see it.

And I float in beauty. Understanding nothing, but not really needing to.

Neither Out Far Nor In Deep

2009-05-12T06:45:00.001-07:00

The people along the sand
All turn and look one way.
They turn their back on the land.
They look at the sea all day.

As long as it takes to pass
A ship keeps raising its hull;
The wetter ground like glass
Reflects a standing gull.

The land may vary more;
But wherever the truth may be---
The water comes ashore,
And the people look at the sea.

They cannot look out far.
They cannot look in deep.
But when was that ever a bar
To any watch they keep?

Distance Haze - Haunted By God

2009-04-24T06:59:00.000-07:00

After sporadically keeping another blog for a couple of years, I am creating a new one here at "Distance Haze." My other blog, "Brother Crow", chronicled my journey away from religion and gave me a place to dump my anger, confusion and occasional rants and raves against society, politics and religion.

That whole time, I realized that something was still aching in my soul. Try as I might, I could not escape a daily internal reality - I was an atheist who still believes in God. I do not like Him, I do not believe in Him (I know, contradiction - first time its ever occurred in the human race, huh?), I will not worship Him, and I certainly will not forgive Him...but I am haunted by Him, and I must process this central core dysfunction of my life so that I can continue to move forward in the living of what I have left.

My dear friend, who I will refer to often as Mylon (because that's his name...really) tells me that I am a deist. I studied deism in seminary, and I think he is probably right...I would say I am a "neo-deist." Kind of like "nudist" - which is apropos, because nakedness is a state of being which implies full vulnerability, intimacy and desire. It is Garden of Eden stuff...the way we were before we became enemies of God. If that ever happened.

I don't know...and that is why I am writing "Distance Haze." I hope to invite others to write on it, too. I want this blog to become something like a forum, a movement. Why? Because I believe (a belief that is stronger than my belief in God) that there are millions of people out there - former Christians (like myself), anxious atheists (like myself), awkward agnostics (like myself) and they want or need a community - even a virtual community - to admit that God haunts them. To admit and discuss why they can't shake the God-thought, and why their souls hunger for the Mystery. They KNOW they will not go to church, or join an organized religion, or quit drinking or smoking or listening to Devil Music. They aren't Republican (which, by the way, appears to have become the number one requirement for becoming a Christian).

They are haunted - by God on the one hand, and by Distance Haze on the other. What is "Distance Haze." Well, it is a term I heard alot when I lived up in Ohio and would visit little towns on the shores of Lake Erie. Thermal inversion layers would form over the shorelines, making the sky very soupy, even on clear days. So, you could rarely see more than a couple of miles clearly, and then distance haze would kick in, and the further you looked, the soupier things became. You have noticed this at the beach, I'm sure. Clear sky, nice breeze from the ocean, but down there, as the beach curves outward in the distance, things become foggy, fuzzy, unfocused, uncertain. Hazy.

Same with this God thing - He is Distant. Regardless of what Christians, or any other religious devotees say...He is God. A personal relationship with Him is a delusion - isn't it? How can we know anything about GOD? Except what religion tells us, or the training of our culture, or ... our hearts? And don't our hearts tell us lots of things, and many of those things are absolutely not true??

Distance Haze. I cannot see God clearly. I cannot know Him well. Or at all. But, I cannot escape the feeling that he is out there, he is something. I can't squirm my way around it...I have to deal with it head on.

So, Distance Haze is where I will do that. I hope you will join me. Maybe, squinting together, we can make out something that we both will say - "what the hell is that???"

2009-04-24T06:47:00.000-07:00

seven miles away
the horizon frames the sky;
that assumes there are no hills or trees,
or clouds to mar the clarity of sight –
a bad assumption on this earth,
filled as it is with weather, dirt and life.
seven miles away…
a nothingspace, a flicker and a breath,
the measure of the gap between a birth and death.
that is on the best of days – come humidity or cloud,
when vapor draws around us like a shroud,
and that horizon rushes in,
like dust thrown up before a wind,
it slaps us even as we gaze,
the squinting victims of distance haze.
then the thickening of night,
when distance haze reduces sight
to just beyond the nose, at best…
yet that is when we fools think we are blest -
we cannot see, and so forget.