Life Is Glorious

"Life is glorious, especially to the cursed and the damned."

These words, spoken by Anthony Hopkins in his role as the patriarch in the latest version of "The Wolfman", had - and continues to have - tremendous impact on me.

Life is glorious! And who better to understand that than a condemned man?

Ever since I left religion, I have felt an insatiable hunger for LIFE. I have become hyper-sensitized to the pulses and rhythms and vibrations of life around me. I yearn - you could almost use the word "lust" - to live life at its craziest, beyond full, beyond meaningful. I want to move beyond a peak state of consciousness and catapult into the universe, soaking up every drop of life that there is.

I have always had this madness for life inside of me. However, religious culture put a cramp on that in me. Religion, at its heart, is about control...a system of doctrines, roles of authority, social programming and reward that causes people to step in cadence to whatever values the religion holds dear. The expectations put on me by religion nearly killed me - while I had to acknowledge my own worthlessness and sin (which, in the religious mind, are just nomenclature for natural and instinctive desires, our animal nature), I had to acknowledge the awesome glory and goodness of God - which I did not actually always see or believe in or understand. A beautiful sunset, or a tender moment of sexual intimacy, could not be enjoyed for the pure pleasure of itself, but had to be recognized as a gift from God...the same God who apparently had no time for healing cancer or alleviating injustice or eradicating disease.

The wildness of rock music? In my particular religious group, it was declared as sin. Enjoying the "fleshly" pleasures of life - food, sex, drink, even a little controlled violence? Sin (except, of course, for football).

I think you get the point. Religion - for me - was not about affirming the glory of life, but of controlling the wildness of human nature, and therefore robbing glory from life. The Bible actually taught that "all creation groans" because of the sin of man. I agree with that to an extent - witness the Gulf of Mexico. However, "all creation" is not groaning - I hear singing, and laughter, and raucous joy. Only a rigid, frightened and judgemental religious mind could hear the music of the spheres and call it "groaning."

Leaving religion, I left with a sense of condemnation. By the reaction of many religious friends, and through the thoughts of my own mind, programmed as it was by years of conforming to the religious machine...I felt cursed and damned by turning my back on religion.

Oddly, however, I felt more alive. In the past six years, my health has improved, my attitude has improved, my experiences have broadened my knowledge, and I am a more expansive person than I have ever been. I love more, laugh more, accept more, and actually serve more.

I am a spiritual man - my hunger and thirst for spiritual things has only increased. I am currently working towards a Ph.D. in Transpersonal Psychology, which is a study of the spiritual dimensions of consciousness and relationships. I meditate. I often journey to a "peak state" where I contemplate mysteries both ancient and future. I experience lucid dreaming. I howl at the moon. I embrace the wildness of my human beast. In my dreams, I run wildly through darkened woods, filled with vitality and energy and power. I devour everything I can. I pray. I weep. I laugh, hard. I play guitar and write songs. I paint.

I make my son mow the yard...one of the benefits of being alpha male.

I do not know if I am cursed or damned...though, when I get around religion I certainly feel that way. Occassionally, when the car blows up or the sewer line breaks, I wonder if God has cursed me for choosing not to believe in Him the way I used to. Then I wonder if He is sending calamity in order to get me to return to Him. Then I ask myself, why in the hell would I return to an understanding of God that includes Him sending calamity to woo me back into His arms? Sounds perverse, doesn't it?

I do believe in a Spiritual Mystery...a Life Force that underflows everything that is. It is good, playful, loving. It embraces darkness, violence, death, and even pain and suffering...for it embraces everything, and everyone. I don't understand it...I seek it.

In the meantime, I am daily learning how to live my life more gloriously. I am loud, I am intense, I am opinionated, and I try to be loving, affirming and to be the most intensely loyal friend you will ever know.

Welcome...to the glorious life of the cursed and the damned!

Namaste!

The Beast

I have finally admitted to myself that within me lives a beast. For most of my life, I have tried to either deny it, or lock it up so deeply that no one would ever know, and I would conveniently forget.

However, I kept hearing him roar in that deep sub-basement. I would ignore the terrifying sound, and go about my life. But occassionally, with no warning, I would see the consequences of his escape. My kids would be afraid of me, my wife cold and distant, a hole would appear in the wall at the end of my fist, something would be thrown and broken on the floor. Friends avoided me.

The stink of the beast was on me.

I would corral him, re-imprison him, put more locks on the cage, and go about my way. But more and more, his presence became something I could not ignore. He kept escaping. He kept doing damage. I kept denying...which, I later learned, was like feeding him steroids. The more I denied, the more powerful he became.

Then, I had a revelation. I thought he kept escaping, but then I learned that I was a sleep-walker. My beast was not escaping...I was letting him out. In the haze and daze of soul-sleep (which happens when overwhelmed by the meaningless stresses of our culture), I was going into the deepest recesses of my sub-conscious, and opening the cage of my beast.

I understood why I was doing it. My beast was my protector. He was my guardian angel. He was that part of me that rose up when I was afraid, or confused, or hurt...and he would strike back with his fierce and vengeful wrath. He has no rational mind...so he struck at whatever was near, whether or not it was the source of my pain. His job was to destroy that which I feared would destroy or hurt me. Period.

I love my beast. I created him...or maybe I discovered him, hidden down there in my deepest being. But once discovered, I loved him. I wanted him. I needed him. All of us need a sense of protection - and my beast was always able to protect me. Yes, he hurt others. He drove them away. He placed me in a world of isolation and loneliness. But that did not matter. In my most primitive, ancient heart, I was afraid. And to the primitive part of us, fear equals annihilation. And there is only one primitive response to death...KILL OR BE KILLED.

So the beast attempts to kill whatever my primitive mind and soul feared was trying to kill me. If he cannot do that...he will lash out at whatever he can. Innocent people suffer. Those who love me fear me.

And I am left alone.

In a way, my beast has done exactly what I wanted him to do. He has destroyed the threat, and now he and I live alone in the world we have created.

I love my beast. I hate my beast.

But now that I know about him, and why he exists, and how he operates...I think...I hope...I may, one day, be able to overpower him. I cannot banish him altogether, but I can become stronger than him.

The Eternal Now

An old friend of mine recently wrote a blog about keeping an eternal perspective in the here and now. It got me to thinking in a big way...what is an eternal perspective?

Obviously, for Christians, it is Heaven...being in the presence of God eternally, not being punished for sins on earth in eternal torment, enjoying whatever bliss God may have planned for that infinite space.

But - I think - an eternal perspective on that simply means making sure you meet the qualifications to enter Heaven upon your death. Which means acceptance of Christ as Savior. In the evangelical Christian belief system, good works don't matter - "all of our righteous deeds are filthy rags." Good works only have value as they help other people make the right decision about Christ, and therefore go to Heaven when they die.

Even as a devout conservative evangelical believer, I had doubts about this view. Certainly eternal reality meant more than just getting to Heaven. And is death the only things that demarcates the reality of eternity from our here and now? Are good works only a form of proselytyzing, trying to "bribe" others into belief because you are caring for their needs? That always bothered me, and often made me feel hypocritical when I was "doing good works."

Nowadays, I have a much different view of "eternal." I do believe in some type of consciousness beyond death - but that is only belief, I have no proof. I do not believe that eternal equals infinite in time. Eternal means - to me - different, other, above me, bigger than me. It means mystery. It means something that is so big, so vast, so incomprehensible that it brings a certain type of definition to my life.

Eternal reminds me that I am not...eternal, that is. Even if my consciousness survives my death, it won't be eternal...because it does not extend to the infinite beginning or infinite end. At some point, in this life, I will cease to be. Eternal reality helps me to understand that, embrace that, and seek to live a life that matters.

For me, eternal means now. In fact, I believe that eternal has no value at all if it does mean now. Because my time is limited, and because there is something bigger and perhaps more real than me, I am motivated to understand and live my life now with every ounce of energy I have. And there are so many ways to do that - another gift of eternal. Loving others, helping others, experiencing joy, acquiring wisdom, forgiving, trying new things, watching the glow of the sky during the sunset...and on and on.

Last summer, my family and I walked a rigourous mountain trail and came to a beautiful, isolated waterfall. I stripped off my shirt and jumped in the pool at the base before I had time to think about it...and nearly imploded with cold! I couldn't catch my breath for a few seconds; but, after that initial shock, the pristine crystal clear water, the remote location, the beautiful mountains and the perfect sky above my head brought a sense of renewal and life that I can still feel to this day. It seemed as if years poured off of my body, and pure light and life poured into my soul. I got out of the pool minutes later, but years younger.

That is eternal, and that is now.

Namaste!

The UnDecision Decision

"There are no neutral decisions in life. Every choice either does or does not get us closer to our goals."

I saw this posted recently on facebook. Wow! I had to comment - "whew - that's alot of pressure."

Welcome to the purpose-DRIVEN life, emphasis on DRIVEN. Being all about purpose is the latest trend in human development. It sells books and makes celebrities out of people who preach it.

But, I got off that train a while ago. I do not want to be DRIVEN. I want to flow. Being purpose-driven stirs up the image of a slave being driven by a harsh task master with a whip in its hand. I would rather jump in a river and let it take me where it wants me to go, while I lay back and bask in the hot sun and the cool water.

Life in our culture is driven to the point of despair. Sadly, most people I know live life under the incredible pressure of every decision being crucial to something - their success, their failure, their joy, their wealth, their health. Yes, I realize that actions are important, and have consequences...but not every decision is either a "make it or break it" fulcrum.

Some decisions can be meaningless, fun, irrelevant - and should be.

I don't think life is about reaching a goal or arriving somewhere. I think life is about living - about being the flow, enjoying the ride, and learning as you go. I had no idea I would end up here, and I have no idea where I will be in ten years. I had goals and plans, but none of those happened the way I envisioned.

The river had other ideas.

Recently, I was trying to decide where to place some landscaping stones in my back yard (yeh, a big decision that is really going to impact the direction and purpose of my life!). I thought and thought, and could not decide. Finally, I asked my son. He laughed and said "it doesn't matter; you know and I know that whatever decision you make, it will the wrong one."

So - here's to making a decision that is wrong! An undecision. I choose not to choose. I don't have a purpose. Or, better yet, I have a purpose, and that purpose is to UnPurpose, to let go and let God, to go with the flow.

See you wherever we end up. Or not.

Namaste!

An Efficient Life

Recently, I watched the movie "A Serious Man." Being a typical Coen brothers movie, it was glib, dark and comic in a side-ways sort of way. At least no one was brutally murdered...a change from their most recent flicks, like "No Country For Old Men."

However, the central theme of "A Serious Man" was a brutally beautiful one...and that is, a life lived seriously is in danger of losing its meaning in a heartbeat. The protagonist in "A Serious Man" is a man who tried to build the meaning of his life on his possessions, his position, and the perceptions of others.

And, as the movie shows, that is a bubble that is perilously easy to pop. And once popped, what becomes the meaning of that life?

Our culture - and sadly, religious culture may be the most guilty of doing this - puts pressure on us to be "serious" and "efficient." We are given this view of adult life that is filled with discipline, control, and accomplishment. We need to look good, act good, and make sure there is no dust in the corners. We are expected to be efficient...budgeted and balanced.

The reality is, however, that life is not like that at all. There is dust out there, and mold, and dirt, and rot, and imperfection. Try as we may, we cannot keep clean. We cannot stay balanced - life demands inbalance and chaos. And it will get it whether we like it or prepare for it or not.

The concept of impermanence, which lies at the heart of Buddhist thought, teaches that nothing lasts. Nothing. A chaotic impermanence is at the heart of existence and reality, and struggling against that (by denying it, or putting more trust in rules than chaos) is what leads to suffering.

I don't know about suffering (still working that one out) but I know it certainly leads to confusion and exhaustion. The more we struggle to be efficient, the more frustrated and tired we become, because the universe just is not commited to efficiency.

In fact, the universe is commited to lavishness - and I think lavishness is the only way to live life. The universe does not seek to preserve energy, but to expend it. Thus, novae and nebulae and laws of inertia (which states that an object in motion remains in motion unless acted upon by an outside force).

I know this sounds alot like carpe diem - "eat, drink, for tomorrow you die" - and it is! And yes, even in a reckless way.

There is an old saying - nobody says on their death bed, "I wish I had spent more time at the office." I would embellish that - nobody says on their death bed, "I wish had been more serious and efficient."

A good friend once told me - "if something is worth doing, its worth doing wrong." I agree! Too many times, we wait until we have attained what we think is some level of readiness, or worthiness, or perfection before we launch out and live. But let me ask - were you perfectly ready when you had your first child? I wasn't - and yet it turned out to be the most amazing, beautiful, transforming and joyful experience of my life.

One of my favorite verses in the bible is from the book of Proverbs - "Where no ox is, the manger is clean. But, much increase comes from the strength of the ox." Yep - dirt, messiness, inbalance and inefficiency are all signs of a life well lived!

Namaste!

Above Us, Only Sky

There are a few places one can stand where the heavens seems to open above you and you are overwhelmed with feelings of...exposure, vulnerability, belonging, eternity.

For me, most of those places happen to be on mountain tops. Reaching a summit - a "peak" if you will - is an inspiring moment, whether if it is attained on a short hike-up, or a climbing expedition.

Peaks are important places to me, and I think to all of us. From the peak, we can see the world around us in all its beauty, glory, expansiveness...and untouchableness. Yes, untouchable...the world we see from a peak may include the world in which we live, but we cannot touch it, control it, own it. It is too big for us, and we are too small. When I stand on a mountain peak, I am amazed at how small all the mountains and hills and roads I see below me really are...and I get a sobering idea about how small I really am.

And - I get a momentary glimpse of how big, how eternal, how majestic and beyond me the world truly is.

Most of all, I like to look at the sky. Standing on a peak, there is nothing above me, only sky. I am at the place of pure exposure to the heavens, and the heavens are also made vulnerable to me.

I like to lay on my back on a mountain peak, and gaze up into the emptiness and infinity of the sky. Yes, there are stars...but each one is billions and billions of miles from the other thousands of stars I can see...and from me. It is an empty and infinite sky.

And there is nothing between me and it. At the peak, I am at the point where there is no roof, no canopy, nothing blocking my way. The sky is mine...all I have to do is figure out how to get up and in to it.

Plane passes overhead, reminds me that I still have alot to understand.

But I know this: peak states, those "states" where people experience a peak moment of consciousness, of life, of energy...at those moments, there is nothing between you and the eternity of sky. Peak states - whether they come through meditation, or prayer, or running, or fasting, or having one of those moments with your children or a loved one...that peak state is a reminder to you that there is a mountaintop with your name on it. And that mountaintop - that peak - is the one place for you where nothing, nothing, nothing stands between you and the heavens...and all heaven means to you.

Let us find our peak states. Let us seek, strive, work and dream for our peak states. For when we find them, there will be nothing above us, only sky.

Namaste!

Faith

I have always struggled with faith.

I have never really known what faith is. Is it trust? Is it belief? Is it action taken on the basis of belief alone (like the bible says, "faith without works is dead")? Is it the product of reason?

The bible teaches that salvation comes by faith alone. It also teaches that faith is a gift of God. If that is true, then does that mean that only God chooses who will be saved and who will be damned, and He gives faith only to those He chooses?

I have wrestled with questions like this for years. I have never been comfortable with faith, or understood exactly what it was, or how it works. Jesus said that if a man had faith the size of a mustard seed, he could tell a mountain to be taken up and cast into the sea. Many times, I have tried to summon that very small seed of faith and get something done...something far more important than moving a mountain. Things like the healing of cancer, or the end of conflict. It never happened, which of course made me worry that I could never have enough faith to be saved...if I did not have enough faith to move a mountain!

For the past several years, I have tried to replace faith with reason. The problem is, as I examine my life through meditation and contemplation...I find I am using faith almost every moment of every day. I least I think I am.

Is faith trust? If so, then I am trusting of things I can't verify by reason all the time. Or maybe I am trusting things that happen consistently because I do them over and over and always get the same result. Things like turning on a light switch, or driving in the right lane, or moving through an intersection when the light is green.

So, faith. I can't live with it, and can't live without it. I don't know what it is, I don't know how it works.

I guess that is exactly what faith means.

I think I am going to contemplate love for a bit.