I am coming out. I am haunted by God. I cannot get past it. I am yet uncertain about what I believe about God...I am certain about one thing - I will never BE certain. I am as close to a process theologian as one can get and still not be willing to say I am one.
I cannot deny my sense of calling. Believe me, I have tried. Atheism. Agnosticism (which still holds my membership dues), new age woowoo, quantum mysticism (which is another way of saying that I have used drugs to crack open my head and see what was inside).
I am all over the place in my Christology. My eschatology can be summed up in one word...death. I hopefully believe in Tielhard's Omega Point.
Down at the core, my obsessions are Grace, Love and Power. I don't even know what I mean by that...except to say that I am obsessed with knowing.
My big discovery...after some recent events that have helped me define and understand myself to myself...is this:
My passion and purpose is to defeat my enemy, and my enemy is the church...not genuine, humble, loving Christian people (of any theological persuasion)...but the religious system that is about money, political power, cultural preservation rather than transformation, comfort rather than justice, consumption rather than servanthood. This "church" exists in every church...it is a mindset, not a place or a person. It has been tolerated in the name of niceness, fellowship, acceptance of imperfection - but in tolerating it, we have given it permission to destroy lives, damage credibility and weaken the power of the gospel (which means "good news"). At its core...it is the continuation of Pharisee-ism...that is, having a "tribal, my god is the true god" belief system based on self-perceived notions of righteousness, correctness and authority. It reeks...and it is one of the things that Jesus came to confront and destroy.
For reasons I don't have to explain (thankfully, because I probably couldn't if I tried), I feel "called" to confront religion and to challenge its place in the lives of people. My doing this makes them mad, confused and distant from me. That's OK...I have my chickens. I am an only child...loneliness is something I know well.
I just want you to understand...it is not personal. In fact, I believe I have your best interests in mind. You don't need religion. You need grace, and love, and power. You don't need the church to discover or experience grace, love and power. You don't need the church to put friends around you who can help you in your journey to the discovery of grace, love and power. I will keep ranting and raving about the church...I am not here to tell you why you should go to church, but to tell you why you should not. I hope to cause one of three things (1) a desire in you to leave the church, or never go (2) anger at the way the religious church destroys lives and impedes the advance of grace, and/or (3) enough anger at me that it keeps you troubled, stewing over the things I have said.
There...I am out of the closet. Smells funny out here.